I’ve been thinking and pondering about the possibility that we might be asked to give up our little boy next week. The chances are low, but there is still a chance. We’ve loved him for 14 months. We’d like to love him for the rest of our lives. I find myself with clenched fists telling God, “No! You can’t take him. He’s OURS in every way that’s important. You wouldn’t ask us to give him up, would you?”
Usually these times hit me when I’m rocking him for his nap. Sometimes I feel a stab of pain when he looks at me with his beautiful blue eyes and smiles. The fact is, even if he was adopted and officially ours, he isn’t OURS. He’s God’s. He was a gift from Him and he belongs to Him.
If I want God’s approval on our lives (and I do) then I need to hold our son (and our other children, and my plans, and my future, and my life, and my dreams) with open hands, laying all on the altar of sacrifice even if it brings pain. For if I was called of God to give it up, sacrificing will bring joy. My flesh cringes from the sacrifice, my heart doesn’t think we could take the pain. Somehow, we will if we need to. Somehow, we will make it through the grief and loss if that’s what is needed to bring us closer to the Father. It’s called GRACE.
The following song I thought of today is taken from the story of David in 2 Samuel 24. He wants to bring an offering to God in thankfulness and the owner of the sacrificial items wants to give them to David. David says, “I will surely buy it of thee at a price: neither will I offer burn offerings unto the Lord my God of that which doth cost me nothing.” Song by Niles Borop and Don Koch…
“I cannot come before my Righteous Holy Lord and offer to Him worldy things I do not need and hope that He’s pleased. For He wants me to give a heart that’s truly His. An offering of highest praise, a servant who the Lord can use.”
“I will not offer anything that costs me nothing. I’ll place before Him nothing less than my very best. And if I’m called to sacrifice, it will be worthy of my Christ. I will not offer anything that costs me nothing.”
“To serve Him is my goal. How could I withhold? Whatever’s mine He’s given me, it’s not my own, it’s His alone. Whatever He requires, that is my desire. Whatever He may need from me, I’ll pay the cost gain or loss.”
I’m discovering that although my hands might be open and I feel surrendered right now, I am quick to grab my sacrifice back and hold tightly if I don’t guard against it. I feel like I’ve been surrendering daily, hourly right now. I’ve had many failures with my victories. I’m so thankful that my God loves my blue-eyed blondie even more than I do. He sees that big picture with the end in mind. And I have the words of my husband to remember too…”Honey, don’t borrow the grief before it’s here. Don’t live it already if it maybe won’t ever happen.” He’s right. God doesn’t give us grace for tomorrow – He gives us grace for today!
What is God asking you to lay on the altar?