Joy Unspeakable

Breaking the silence after over a year…

I’ve been pondering a lot lately on the subject of joy. Not happiness. A deep-seated joy that’s there all the time, no matter the circumstances, no matter the hormones, no matter the actions of my children, no matter the smoothness of my day. I’m not “good at it”!

To get rather personal, my brain has been chemical-free the last six weeks for the first time in 3 1/2 years. After I became a mom for the first time, I felt strangled, smothered, like I was living in the dark. Being a “glass-half-full” kind of girl for most of my life, I had no idea how to deal with these feelings. I’m thankful for an understanding husband, doctor, family, and friends. I’d been on an anti-depressant ever since, diagnosed with PAD (post-adoption depression.). I’m OK with that, and I believe it’s very necessary sometimes. However, I (along with my husband’s approval) decided that it was becoming a crutch and weaned myself off this spring. I was a little unprepared for the intensity of my emotions again. Where a pill kept me like this ————————–, life without a pill has me like this —–______———-________! 🙂 Where is my joy?

So, I’ve been wondering over the verse in Psalm 113 about how God makes a barren woman to be a JOYFUL mother of children. How can I make this happen? How can I keep the dark from closing in again? How can I react with cheerfulness to a house full of little grumpies? Because some days it just isn’t there…When I turn around and someone else is being naughty and needing discipline, someone always needs me, our house is a mess and the noise level unreal, nobody seems to remember how to play unselfishly, someone’s nose needs a tissue – again, two little boys have messy pampers at the same time a little girl is calling to be wiped, my circumstances threaten to completely overwhelm me…The answer comes…I CAN’T, but GOD CAN! If I’m waiting for my life, my children, my circumstances to be perfect till I can be joyful…it ain’t happenin’! I’m learning that “joy unspeakable” and “fullness of joy” can only come through praise, adoration, bowing before a God who loves me, fills me, and completes me.

About ten days ago, I happened across the Joy Dare on Ann Voscamp’s website http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares. I was challenged with it, but my “can’t do it if I can’t do it right” side of my personality said, “Why would start in the middle of June? Seems like something you start at the beginning of a new year!” So I ignored it. Then our summer Bible school lessons are about the Fruits of the Spirit and guess which fruit we talked about last night? Yup…joy! I came home, looked up the Joy Dare again and began today. I’d like to blog my gifts…don’t know if it’ll happen every day, don’t know how long this will last. (My family, especially my husband, can attest to the fact that I am good at being excited at the beginning of a project!) But if it can keep my perspective straight for awhile, it’ll be worth it. So, because I am not very sharp in the evenings, I will blog the next day about the previous day’s gifts. Today I am searching for “three gifts full.” And I’m still searching for the last one, but I know it’s there because God promises not just a little joy, but joy unspeakable…

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3 thoughts on “Joy Unspeakable

  1. Very good Twylene! Sometimes I get so nervous to read a post by Ann V. because I am almost always convicted about something! I think that naming our blessings is a blessing. You can do it!

  2. Last year Susan, Roxanna, & I read the book & counted our blessings. I am still doing it! It’s an easy way for me to give thanks and it does help me in the “down” days. And like Jo, I get scared to read Ann’s blog. 🙂

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